Ocarina of Time 3D - Review

My review for Ocarina of Time 3D has just gone up on Realm of Gaming. Check it out here: http://www.realmofgaming.com/reviews/3ds/thelegendofzeldaocarinaoftime3d/746.html

A Poem on the Subject of Poor Game Design

Let's go for a journey through halls and compartments,

till we stumble across a game planning department.

With coffee, long hours and 5am stubble

it seemed this department was heading for trouble.

Escort quests, lives and QTEs were all theirs,

they helped with the N-Gage but that's just splitting hairs.

"We need fresh ideas" the head honcho sighed

but twiddling thumbs was the only reply.

"Perhaps a controller you work with your teeth?"

"But after Kinect that would be a relief!"

"Re-release the same game for the next 25 years?"

"Well now you're just stealing Nintendo's ideas"

"A hooker RPG, surely that would be great?"

"with extensive skill trees on how you fellate"

"you could use Playstation Move to help with the wanking"

"and even add online support for the rankings"

"Why don't we just do a game design sim?"

"Where you work on the behest of your publishers whim"

"Isn't that just the hooker RPG though?"

"but a bit more degrading and with less things to blow"

Off in the corner a quiet voice muttered

"What we need is a game that was spawned from the gutter"

"With controls that appear to have been designed by an ape"

"and a central mechanic that is destined to break"

"Zombies, disease an unending companion"

"surely a game fit to be thrown in a canyon"

"It may even turn out to be a huge hit"

"With scores curious to play the embodiment of shit"

"I love it!" the boss cried what a riveting fable.

One chap was so happy he puked on the table,

another scooped it up and gave a small compliment

as it could be used as their design document.

"Well done lads, that's using your brain"

"Within months this place will be on top again"

"but we need a name and nothing too samey"

"I'm just putting it out their, but I like the name...Amy" 

Mass Effect 3 Demo - Impressions

Warning - Very minor spoilers included in this post. Nothing that would ruin the experience for you but don't say I didn't warn you.

February 14^th has long been the day for star-crossed lovers all over the world. This Valentine’s Day however, will be held in our hearts as the day Mass Effect lovers got a little recognition with one of the sweetest gifts of all. A simple card or heart-shaped box of chocolates certainly isn’t Bioware’s style though, and instead of any of that clichéd nonsense, they’ve delivered us something many have been anticipating for over a year now: a demo of Mass Effect 3.

An anxious period of download was followed by a start-screen dominated by a war-ravaged Earth; a gloomy foreshadowing of the Reaper invasion yet to come. Following this you are presented with a feature new to the Mass Effect series; game modes. The choice of three distinct game modes is offered: ‘Action’ – An action-adventure inspired affair, in which you play as default Shepard with the conversations playing as cut-scenes – ‘Roleplaying’ – The traditional Mass Effect experience we know and love – and ‘Story’ – An easier version of the ‘Roleplaying’ mode. Being a veteran of the series I opted for ‘Roleplaying’ and then it was on to the character customisation menu.

Character customisation has never been one of Mass Effect’s strong points and little has changed since the first two iterations. Bioware clearly has an idea of what Commander Shepard is supposed to look like and your ability to differentiate from that is limited. Thankfully, I was still able to equip my Shepard with his trademark handlebar moustache; so he was more than prepared to vanquish the Reapers in style. All classes are available to play with in the demo so I elected to go with Infiltrator, just as my previous Shepard’s before him, and then, the action began.

The first half of the demo takes place on a fearful Earth preparing for a Reaper invasion. Commander Shepard has been relieved from duty and is being held in an Alliance detention facility. Human colonies are going dark throughout Alliance space and High Command is faced with the grim realisation that the Reapers are approaching. Shepard and Admiral Anderson are called before the Alliance and before you can say ‘hold the line’ the Reapers descend and interrupt the meeting with a high-powered laser, forcing Anderson and Shepard to flee, and the gameplay to commence.

The movement is very similar to Mass Effect 2 but is dusted with subtle tweaks to help the flow of gameplay. Arrows now appear over vaultable cover and the sprint function feels a lot faster and more responsive than the two previous titles. Levels are also a lot easier to navigate, meaning the excitement is never compromised by an occasional wrong-turn or misjudged sprint.

The main emotional focus in the first half of the demo is an un-named child, first seen from the window of Shepard’s cell innocently playing in their garden. Later that child is met again with Shepard offering the boy help to escape, fearing his life; the child refuses, and crawls off through the air vent he’d claimed as his hiding place. The young lad is seen once more as Shepard escapes earth on the Normandy. The boy clambers clumsily onto an evacuation ship after seeing up-close the horror of a Reaper invasion, just as the ship attempts its escape, a Reaper blast cuts down the vessel and sends it rocketing to the ground in a maelstrom of fire, the chance of any of its passengers surviving is nought. Whereas in other games, a child’s death would be a kind of ‘shock-moment’, in Mass Effect 3 it comes off as genuinely emotional and proves, unquestionably, that Bioware still know how to craft a compelling narrative.

The second half of the demo takes place further on in the game. Shepard, Wrex, Liara and Garrus are headed to the Salarian home-world to extract a fertile Krogan female. Cerberus, getting wind of this, launch a full-scale assault on the facility. This is where the improved combat mechanics really start to shine through. The combat feels infinitely more satisfying than it did in Mass Effect 2 and Bioware have ironed out the creases to a point where Mass Effect 3 could stand up as a great game based purely on its gun-play. Crosses appear on your reticule to signify an accurate shot, ducking in and out of cover feels easier, the radial weapons and skills menu works as well as ever, and the wide variety of enemies will lead you into making many tactical decisions. The Cerberus Engineer for instance, deploys heavy turrets that are far too powerful to be assaulted head-on, so a flanking/biotic manoeuvre is possibly your best bet. Following a few hard fought battles your Shepard will level up, allowing us some hands-on time with Mass Effect 3’s 

leveling system.

The levelling in Mass Effect 3 is similar to Mass Effect 2, but has been streamlined to become more accessible to new players. Every level you earn skill points which are then spent on refining your specific abilities. As an Infiltrator I invested a lot of points in the new ‘sticky grenade’ ability; suddenly those turrets weren’t so menacing. Unlike Mass Effect 2, it’s now a lot clearer how your skill points are being spent. Every ability has a full inventory screen when selected and feels a lot easier to use than both the previous games before it. Meaning new players shouldn’t be intimidated by an ominous levelling system.

Once Wrex and his new paramour are united the demo draws to a close and I’m certain you’ll hungry for more. Mass Effect 3 is shaping up to be an excellent conclusion to the series that should do fans expectations justice. Pack your Assault Rifle and N7 Armour, as when March finally comes, you’ll be in for one hell of a ride.

Super Pokemon Rumble Review

My review for 3DS bore-fest Super Pokemon Rumble is now live on Realm of Gaming. Giving it such a negative review hurt my inner Pokemon fan; but no amount of nostalgia can make shit not stink.

Check it out here: http://www.realmofgaming.com/reviews/3ds/superpokemonrumble/738.html

Sonic Generations 3DS Review

Check out my Sonic Generations 3DS review for Realm of Gaming: http://www.realmofgaming.com/reviews/3ds/sonicgenerations/728.html

Spoiler warning; the console versions are better.

One More Thing I Kinda Want

Whenever I see replica video game weaponry I always feel like that 6-8 year old kid you see in shops badgering his mother for a plastic sword or a miniature fully functioning trebuchet. Rest assured, if my kids ever badger me for this replica of the M-96 Mattock Heavy Rifle from Mass Effect 2, I'll display it proudly for them; I might even let them touch it...sometimes.

Zander Brandt, famous for other Mass Effect replicas, put together this wonderful piece of head-blasty fun in his spare time. Brandt commented. "I chose [the Mattock] because it is arguably the most complicated rifle in the Mass Effect universe that still looks like it was made by human hands". Later Brandt wrote on his blog. "I like a challenge. And headaches apparently"

Mr. Brandt I salute you. Here's hoping for some cool stuff come the release of Mass Effect 3.

Got Twitter? follow me here: https://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality 

The Virtual Unreality Twitter Page

This always happens when a new form of social networking emerges. I ignore it for months and months and then suddenly I arrive late to the party to a resounding chorus of "nobody gives a shit you're here Chris". It happened with Myspace, it happened with Facebook and now it's happened with Twitter.

For all the reviews, news, inane chatter and incomprehensible musings you can handle, follow me here: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality and I'll return the favour.

Why not ask what Dragon Age: Origins favourite Qunari thinks?

Fuck you Sten.

Super Mario 3D Land Review

I very recently reviewed Super Mario 3D land. Why not head to Game-Boyz.com and check it out?

http://www.game-boyz.com/content/node/18498

Quick spoiler: it's good, buy it.

Let's Play Soldiers

Soldier or civilian, who makes for better protagonists in FPS's? Check out my article for Lazy Ass Gamer and you might just find out.

http://lazyassgamer.com/lets-play-soldiers-civilian-or-soldier-fps

You can also follow Virtual Unreality on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality

2500 Cheeses Roll Down a Hill in Skyrim

Have you ever heard of the Coopers Hill Cheese Rolling Festival? For those who haven't, essentially, on the spring bank holiday cheese chasing enthusiasts descend on Coopers Hill, Gloucester. All in the name of watching a wheel of cheese fly down a hill, with a competitor inevitably tumbling a few meters behind it.

It all sounds like awful good fun but for some, Gloucester can be a few too many miles away, even if you do get to hurl yourself off a mountain pursuing dairy products. Thankfully, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim more than lives up to it's 'go anywhere do anything' claims and thanks to Youtube user STuKKie86, Skyrim owners can now commemorate the Coopers Hill Cheese Rolling Festival their own way. At home, comfortably sitting in a chair without broken bones and a face full of double gloucester.

Why not follow Virtual Unreality on Twitter? I'd appreciate it: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

The boots were troubling his feet again. Walking through the snow-capped peaks and windswept forests of the unforgiving North was starting to take it's toll on the crude boots fashioned hastily from melted down chamber-pots. Thankfully, the accumulated shit of a thousand polar bears was latched to them now, so any stench left over from their past life pressed up against some Helgen lord's arse had long since been masked. He'd been running for a good few miles now, and after a fire breathing death-lizard interrupts your execution it's easy to think you've seen everything. That is, until your first rest-stop in a day and a half is interrupted by a half-naked Argonian chasing his armor down a hillside.

In their tongue he is Mudvakiin, Mudcrab born!

I know the preceding paragraph may seem like an extract from an Elder Scrolls fanboy's manuscript, but it does have some relevance, I promise. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is a game to lose yourself in. Stories will be forged to regale to your friends over meat and mead and characters will become almost an extension of yourself, much like my character and his shit covered toilet boots. Anyone whose read this blog before will know my stance on fleshing out the backstory of your characters. In Skyrim though, I found myself getting engaged in my friends characters too, listening with enthusiasm to tales of my friends half-naked Argonian chasing his armor down a hillside.

From a reviewers standpoint, trying to make a professional judgement on every facet of Skyrim seems like a fools errand. With its grandiose nature the experiences of one might differ vastly from the other. For example, I spent a great deal of my first few hours with Skyrim tackling the College of Winterhold quests, but you might have signed up with the thieves guild, perhaps taken a sight-seeing tour of Solitude, or maybe just collected all the cheese you could find to pull an amusing prank on your live-in companion. This is true fantasy epic with the word 'epic' underlined, highlighted and written in 50 foot capitals. The scope is huge and a whole world awaits you.

Awwh, Isn't it pretty?

The world itself is undeniably pretty. One moment you'll be dodging the flames of an encircling dragon and the next you'll be surveying a stunning vista from the peak of a frozen mountain top. Many times I found myself simply taking in the view, watching the giants herd their mammoths or scoping out the best way to raid that bandit fortress. Despite the odd invisible wall or high-gradient slope everywhere you can see you can get to. Some sandboxes may present an illusion of an open-world with invisible barriers that push you through a linear story, but with Skyrim the world is your Mudcrab.

With the latest installment of The Elder Scrolls it seems that Bethesda have taken a few complaints leveled at it's previous iteration (Oblivion) and made a real effort to iron out the creases. One of the main complaints was the leveling system. In Oblivion your surroundings leveled with you, creating a somewhat farcical world where extremely well funded bandits were kitted-out with the best weapons and armor and the city guards, with a whole empire to fund them, are still insistent on using that crappy butter-knife that I was leaving to rust in a blood strewn dungeon seven levels ago.

Now that's astrology I can get behind

This time around however, your character levels on a strictly 'how you like to play' basis. Gone are the days of picking a class and sticking to it, instead, the skills you use frequently are the ones you'll level, resulting in a character fitting perfectly to your own personal play-style. Skyrim also employs a perk system allowing for a greater deal of customisation. Say you like to loose an arrow or two but can't quite hit your target? No matter, a perk that allows you to slow time whilst aiming (a perk I like to call 'Arrow Time') will sort those stray shots right out. Which of these skills you level and which of these perks you choose is completely up to you, but it's almost inevitable that with an hour you'll have a 100 Smithing, armor made from dead dragons is just far too tempting.

If you haven't guessed already I love this game. I've logged countless hours trudging through caves, dungeons and dragon lairs and the inner fanboy in me is screaming to give this game a perfect score, but in all good conciseness I can't, as The Elder Scrolls: V is far from perfect. The game relishes in immersion but all to often a minor bug or oversight will bring you right out of the experience. The voice pool for NPC's is far too low and the renowned Bethesda bugs are out in force and it all smacks a bit of corner-cutting.

Although, these are all just minor flecks of peeling paint on an otherwise pristine masterpiece. A shoe-in for game of the year and one of the best games I (and I'm sure a lot of others) have ever played. In other words a perfect gift for the holiday season, especially if you don't want to see its recipient for a while. But be forewarned, when you do see them again they won't shut up about their half-naked lizard man or their shit covered boots.

Developer: Bethesda

Verdict: 9/10

Want it? Get it here

Got Twitter? Follow the Virtual Unreality Twitter here: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality

I Used to Rap, Until I Took an Arrow in the Knee

I think it's safe to say I've neglected this blog in recent weeks. I could lie to you and say it's been work/family/other commitments, but in all honesty, I've spent my time patiently sitting in a corner waiting for Skyrim to come out, just so I could write about that instead of all the other bland drivel that came out prior to November 11. To apologise here's a wonderful rap by Dan Bull.

Skyrim review coming soon.

Follow Virtual Unreality on Twitter for all video game/strange musing needs: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality

Flash Games, Flash Games Everywhere.

  

Like Flash Games? Then head over to lazyassgamer.net and check out ten of my favourites here.

Follow the Virtual Unreality Twitter to clog your news feed with gaming news and idiocy: http://twitter.com/#!/V_Unreality

No Block Left Unturned

Do you like Minecraft? Do you want it on your Xbox 360 but can't be bothered to wait for the XBLA port? Then I have you covered you strange and impatient person you.

Check out the article here: I Came to Dig

Check out news, reviews and more at LazyAssGamer

Dragons of L.A Beware

Dovahkiin is watching you:

Deus Ex (original) - Review.

Sorry for not updating the blog for a while. I've written a small Deus Ex review for lazyassgamer.net check it out and i'd be very grateful.

http://lazyassgamer.net/deus-ex-original-review

Bodycount - First Impressions.

'By no means does this demo portray the graphics, gameplay or quality of the finished product'

The rather perplexing sentence inscribed on the opening title screen of Bodycount whose demo was released recently. I'm sure this is just some tacked-on legal thing, but whenever I see it I can't help but think: "Um Codemasters? If that sentence really is the case then couldn't you have released something that had nothing to do with Bodycount?  Like a banana with a logo on the side of it or something? Eating it probably would have been more fun than the Bodycount demo.

More destruction was really needed.

Some people may be growing a bit tired of the FPS genre in recent times, believing a certain air of stagnation seems to be hovering over the major franchises as everyone tries to emulate whats popular. Personally I don't think this is entirely true as there is some innovation out there and to give Bodycount it's due it is trying something slightly different, but where it excels in theory it falls flat on it's arse in execution.

You start the demo with somebody who sounds eerily like Cortana from the Halo series bellowing in your ear-hole about some warlord you've got to track down. Then you're set loose and immediately you notice my first, and possibly most irritating gripe. When iron-sight aiming you can't move, you can only sway left and right like a bullet-ridden daisy in a light breeze. Who in the name of god thought that would be a good idea in a fast paced shooter? Naturally this led to death time and time again as I tried to break that awful habit of aiming my weapon.

TOWERING INFERNO! just imagine it.

Secondly, the game employs a multi-kill system as a means of granting you rewards and resupplies. Sounds good, but it manifests itself as nothing more than a number in the top left of the screen. Hardly befitting, what it really needs is a deep Brian Blessed style voice booming "EXPLOSIVE OCTOKILL!" followed by an impromptu fireworks display and kick-ass guitar solo. With nothing more than a number to reward me the destruction feels like a bit of a letdown.

The graphics are also in need of a bit of a perk up, as well as the clunky movement controls. A fun game is in there somewhere desperately trying to poke it's head through. If Codemasters takes the criticisms it's received onboard this could be one to watch. If they manage to get Brian Blessed onboard this might be one to watch for GOTY.

Publisher: Codemasters

Want it? Get the demo on XBLA. 


     

Ezio Appears on Parisian Building.

If you haven't seen it already, here's Ubisoft's three-storey-high Ezio made entirely out of Post-it-notes! If the trailer didn't convince you to buy Revelations this surely will.

Pikachu and Bowser however, recieve little press.

A Story of Your Own

Edward Neville was a fairly detestable creature to gaze upon. Not a conventionally ugly man, just disproportionate, meek, the sort of man who appeared he would crumble from the force of a bus driving too close. In the darkness Edward's thoughts quickly turned to his mother and father, a strange mix of love and resentment washed over him, they after all had gotten him into this mess. Edward's father was a Russian, a postman by trade, he had met his English mother whilst she was visiting Moscow. An inspiring love story but one Edward had heard too many times before, and had no wish of unnecessarily recanting in a time of such horror. For Edward was on a mission, the year was 2033 and the Moscow Metro beckoned.

Hope you like rusting tubes.

Just to clarify, no, this post is not a piece of limp-wristed fan fiction. This was the character I decided to guide through the underground depths of Metro 2033. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Artyom and his struggle against the Dark Ones, rather that when I played Metro 2033 it was in short bursts, often weeks apart. Couple this with the fact that the environments, though immersive, are often very repetitive and it soon becomes difficult to know just whats going on and why Artyom puts up with all this shit. Thus, Edward Neville was born, as was a new hobby of crafting my own stories into a linear game.

Far more interesting than a 'Dark-Elf theif'

Granted this is hardly a new practice, role-playing has been a key ingredient in video games since their inception. Take for instance an open-world RPG like Oblivion or Fallout, your main story arc may be as linear as any FPS but the expansive setting allows for hours of role-playing. No more so is this demonstrated as it is in the character creation stage. You form your character from the ground up, instilling in them virtues that you personally crafted. They are the blank canvas that you imprint yourself onto throughout your journey, and they are forever your character.

However, a linear game focusing more on narrative very rarely gives you this option. The characters involved, their motivations, their actions, are not yours, you're merely enjoying the ride. When done well this can be story-telling at it's finest (*cough cough* Bioshock), but when executed poorly a game can quickly become a chore. This was the stage Edward Neville came into being, I'd long forgotten why I was in the Metro, but enjoyed the game mechanics enough to keep playing. Edward and his neurosis, mysterious package, and love for fine vodka, gave me a reason to once again become emotionally invested. For that reason, to everyone with an Edward of their own out there, or anyone thinking of inventing one, good luck.

Edward Neville never made it past the amoebas.     

Pokemon but With Animals Instead Part 2.

Sure to be enjoyed by anyone whose played the games, watched the anime, collected the cards or was just born in the early 90's.

Check out more from 'The Ham Wallet' here.